Making Friends at a New School

Making Friends at a New School

By Patience Domowski, LCSW

Starting at a new school can be so hard for kids! Whether it’s the start of a normal school transition like Kindergarten, or beginning of middle or high school, or starting in the middle somewhere because you moved to a new district, it’s really difficult. It’s normal to be nervous and not happy about it.

You’re the ‘new kid’ like it or not, and everyone already has friends and a group, so you automatically feel left out. While some kids can be welcoming and friendly it can still be difficult or take a while to find your niche. Here are some helpful tips:

• Be friendly, even if you’re naturally shy, and introduce yourself to people. Smile and look happy, even if you don’t really feel that way. People are automatically attracted to happy and friendly looking people.

• Try to sit with others and interact with them. Acknowledge you are new and ask for insight and help (even if you don’t really need it). You can start with ‘Hey, I’m new here, can you tell me about this teacher?’, or ‘What do you think of the cafeteria food here?’, or ‘How do I find the library?’. Often people appreciate being asked for help and will engage with you.

• Ask for someone to show you around the school. The principal may have already set this up. Maybe the person who shows you around may become a friend, if not they can at least introduce you to other people. If they don’t automatically do so you can ask them to introduce you.

• Join any clubs, activities, programs, sports you may be interested in. If you aren’t sure what you’d like to participate in, try a few out and see what you like. Finding others with similar interests is a great way to make new friends.

• If you find someone you think would make a great friend try inviting them to come see your new house, or hang out sometime. If they say they are busy ask when is a good time. If they keep putting you off, move on to someone else.

• If you make one friend, try to meet their already existing friends and connect with them too.

• If your parents allow have a party at your house and invite everyone. Whomever comes, try to talk to them and secure future plans.

• In some elementary schools there is a ‘buddy bench’ to sit on at recess if you need a friend. If you sit there other kids will come around and ask you to play.

• If the school is really cliquey recognize it’s not your fault, and keep trying. Remember it can take a while sometimes, but you’ll get there.

• Be okay with just one or two friends. Your friend group will slowly grow if you want it to, but it doesn't have to be the same amount as at your previous school.

• If it’s not going well, ask the teacher or school counselor for help.

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Helpful Book for Elementary and Middle school age children for making and keeping friends:

Lily Makes Friends, by Patience Domowski. Available on Amazon.

Helpful tips for anxiety when starting at a new school.

Autism/Aspergers and teaching social skills at home

Autism/Aspergers

If you have a child on the autism spectrum you are probably realizing that parenting this child is extremely different that parenting neurotypical children.

[If you aren't sure if your child is on the autism spectrum have them evaluated by any of the following: their pediatrician, a developmental doctor, a licensed therapist, psychiatrist, Early Intervention evaluation team, child psychologist- either independent or at the child's school.

Signs of autism include at least some of the following symptoms -extreme difficulty with social interaction (including poor eye contact, difficulty understanding other person's tone or intent/meaning, struggles to make friends/initiate conversations, "tuned out", doesn't seek out others for interaction, doesn't understand emotions/how others feel), difficulty with communication (either not talking by age 2, barely talking, difficult to understand, difficulty with conversation skills/pragmatics/turn taking), repetitive behaviors/sensory problems (head banging, flapping, spinning in circles etc), restricted interests (will only play with dinosaurs, lines up cars, etc), other difficult behaviors (defiance, lack of focus, extreme inflexibility, difficulty transitioning between activities, needs a lot of help with basic life skills activities).] 

Children on the Spectrum need visual directions often, and help learning every behavior that most other kids will naturally pick up on without having to be specifically taught. I recommend find a good therapist and get them in a school/classroom that will meet their needs. Because autism is such a spectrum: from the severe nonverbal kids that might also have intellectual disability to the high functioning brilliant Asperger’s kids that your child’s treatment needs to be individualized and work best for their needs.

There is not really a one size fits all treatment for every kid on the spectrum but some basic tips include:

- use visual cues and directions

(social stories, picture schedules, show pictures or gesture/sign language of what you are asking them to do, write down reminders, instead of telling them what to do use picture cards or list the directions)

-don’t give long explanations just short, concise directions

With typical children explaining WHY is really helpful. With kids n the spectrum they often don’t care or don’t understand. Its usually just extra words they are confusing. SO just state what you want them to do in as a short a way as a possible. Example: “Put toys in box”- for autism child. For typical child you might say- “Please clean this room, because we are having guests visit tomorrow and I don’t want them to trip”.

-Teach and encourage your child to interact with peers.

Instead of expecting them to invite friends over to visit, you might need to take the initiative and invite the peers over and even teach/tell your child what they will play with. They might need some adult directives to play together instead of alone.

-teach them how to recognize and manage their own feelings as well as recognize and react to others feelings

Point out how you feel and how they feel so they start to recognize it.

Examples: “Mom is happy because you just gave me a hug! You can tell I’m happy because I’m smiling!” or “Dad is sad because you just kicked your brother. You can tell I’m sad because I’m frowning and shaking my head”.

“You seem so excited about going on vacation! I know you are happy because you are jumping up and down and smiling!” “You seem angry because your brother took your toy. I think you are angry because you have a mad face and are stomping your feet.”

-if they have sensory needs get them the sensory tools they need to help and a good O.T./therapy to help. [See sensory article]