Making Friends at a New School

Making Friends at a New School

By Patience Domowski, LCSW

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Starting at a new school can be so hard for kids! Whether it’s the start of a normal school transition like Kindergarten, or beginning of middle or high school, or starting in the middle somewhere because you moved to a new district, it’s really difficult. It’s normal to be nervous and not happy about it.

You’re the ‘new kid’ like it or not, and everyone already has friends and a group, so you automatically feel left out. While some kids can be welcoming and friendly it can still be difficult or take a while to find your niche. Here are some helpful tips:

  • Be friendly, even if you’re naturally shy, and introduce yourself to people. Smile and look happy, even if you don’t really feel that way. People are automatically attracted to happy and friendly looking people.

  • Try to sit with others and interact with them. Acknowledge you are new and ask for insight and help (even if you don’t really need it). You can start with ‘Hey, I’m new here, can you tell me about this teacher?’, or ‘What do you think of the cafeteria food here?’, or ‘How do I find the library?’. Often people appreciate being asked for help and will engage with you.

  • Ask for someone to show you around the school. The principal may have already set this up. Maybe the person who shows you around may become a friend, if not they can at least introduce you to other people. If they don’t automatically do so you can ask them to introduce you.

  • Join any clubs, activities, programs, sports you may be interested in. If you aren’t sure what you’d like to participate in, try a few out and see what you like. Finding others with similar interests is a great way to make new friends.

  • If you find someone you think would make a great friend try inviting them to come see your new house, or hang out sometime. If they say they are busy ask when is a good time. If they keep putting you off, move on to someone else.

  • If you make one friend, try to meet their already existing friends and connect with them too.

  • If your parents allow have a party at your house and invite everyone. Whomever comes, try to talk to them and secure future plans.

  • In some elementary schools there is a ‘buddy bench’ to sit on at recess if you need a friend. If you sit there other kids will come around and ask you to play.

  • If the school is really cliquey recognize it’s not your fault, and keep trying. Remember it can take a while sometimes, but you’ll get there.

  • Be okay with just one or two friends. Your friend group will slowly grow if you want it to, but it doesn't have to be the same amount as at your previous school.

  • If it’s not going well, ask the teacher or school counselor for help.

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Helpful Book for Elementary and Middle school age children for making and keeping friends:

Lily Makes Friends, by Patience Domowski. Available on Amazon.

Helpful tips for anxiety when starting at a new school.

Feelings by Age

Feelings by Age

What your child should be able to understand and express, by age

By Patience Domowski, LCSW

 

Age 0-1: Baby can express sadness by crying, anger by screaming, and happiness by smiling and laughing. Some babies can express surprise too with a facial expression, often following by happy smile or crying depending on how they feel about the surprise. Babies usually respond to their parents and other caregivers emotions and reactions such as being more fussy if they sense mom is upset, or laughing when big sister makes a funny face at them. [Known emotions: Happy, Sad, Angry, sometimes Surprise]

Age 2-4: These little ones are just learning how to talk to express their feelings. Parents can teach them to name their feelings such as saying “I’m Happy!” or “I’m Mad!” when they are acting like they feel that way with their behaviors or facial expressions. Often these kids have very strong opinions and feelings and may show big emotions like anger and disappointment in the form of tantrums and meltdowns and excitement or anger in screaming. Parents can try to have their child say how they feel. Parents can also model this by naming their own feelings so the child learns which emotion goes with which term. For example “Daddy is sad right now because you aren’t listening and putting on your shoes.” “Mommy is so happy to see you after a long day at preschool!”

Some strategies for calming child is to teach them to take deep breaths, give themselves a hug or ask for a hug, and taking a break (such as child going to a private area to calm down, or parents and older siblings leaving them alone in one area until they are calm). Teaching these skills when the child is not upset is helpful so they are ready to use the skill when needed. Parents can also model these strategies themselves by doing and naming them. For example “Mommy is angry right now because you made a big mess when I asked you not to. I’m going to take a break and calm down. I’ll be right back.” or “Daddy is really disappointed you didn't make a good choice and hit your brother. I’m going to take a deep breath.”

Also if the child resists using a strategy to calm down, parents can offer an incentive such as use of a toy or a treat for calming quickly. Often it’s best to ignore screaming and tantrum behaviors until the child calms (if they are too upset to reason with) and then praise them when they are calm and divert to something else. At the preschool age some children are more verbal and understanding than others so it will vary based on your child’s language ability to be able to talk out the feelings and handle them appropriately. [Known emotions: Happy, Sad, Anger, Surprise, Excited, Love, Scared, sometimes Disappointed, Frustrated]

Age 5-7: These early school agers should know the names of most common emotions by now and be able to do some calming strategies. Parents should continue to encourage them to name their feelings and model handling their feelings too. These children may also be recognizing how their actions affect others’ feelings too. Some kids are very sensitive to recognizing others feelings while others are more oblivious. Helping them be aware of how their behaviors and feelings impact others is important. For example if they are mad and hit their sister, it can make their sister feel sad. Or if they are jealous and take their friends toy, the friend may be angry. Expanding their understanding of emotions can grow beyond the basic feelings to more specifics like Happy vs Proud specifically, or Angry broken down into disappointment, frustration, or fear. There are many games and flashcards/posters to use to teach the various emotions. Having children learn what each feeling is called, what it looks like on someone’s face and body, as well as what can cause that feeling is really important for them to grow in emotional intelligence. [Known feelings: Happy, Sad, Scared, Mad, Nervous, Surprised, Excited, Proud, Loved, Disappointed, Frustrated. Maybe: Jealous, Anxious]

Ages 8-10: These kids should be pretty familiar with most emotions. They may continue to express their feelings in acting out ways, but should know some strategies for coping and calming down. If they still struggle they may need to see a specialist to help. They should be more aware of other people’s feelings and be able to offer comfort to others if needed. They should be able to name an experience that would cause a feeling. For example “If my brother messes up my lego creation, I would be mad” or “If my friend got a new toy and I didn't, I would be jealous”. [Known feelings: Happy, Sad, Mad, Scared, Surprised, Anxious, Excited, Proud, Disappointed, Frustrated, Jealous, Loved, Uneasy, Annoyed, Nervous]

Ages 11-13: Preteens are hitting that hormonal puberty stage where their feelings may be all over the place. They may be getting upset and angry for no clear reason and acting out more than usual. Helping them realize its their hormones that are out of whack, not that the world is against them may be helpful in helping them calm their reactions. They may need more space and understanding as they navigate this difficult time. Parents should be understanding but also not allow them to be disrespectful either. Often preteens need time and space to calm down and think through their feelings and when they are in a better mood often talking about it can help. [Known emotions: at this age they should know most if not all the emotions, but may struggle to differentiate specific breakdowns of feelings such as anxious versus scared].

Ages 14-18: Teens should be able to name and know all the emotions and may admit to struggling with certain ones specifically- like anxiety or anger. They should know some coping strategies to calm down and be able to manage their extreme feelings. If they are extremely up and down with mood it can be a sign of a problem and they may need expert help (ask your doctor or therapist). While it’s normal to feel all the emotions at some point the teen should likely not be all over the place severely such as excitement to furious in a few minutes, for example. As they mature they should be better handling their emotions and learning how to regulate their responses. [Known emotions: All of them. They may have slang terms for some feelings].

Overall it's important to teach children of any age the names of feelings as well as how to recognize them (by facial expression and body language) in themselves and in others. It’s also important for children to learn what causes what feelings. After they learn those basic skills then they can learn calming and coping strategies to feel better such as taking a deep breath when angry or anxious (it tells your brain and body to relax), taking a break (such as walk away, go to room to calm down ,etc). After the child is calm then they can work on a strategy to solve the problem! Even positive emotions like excitement can cause problem behaviors if the child gets too silly, or screams, gets super energetic, etc and may need to calm down. Learning when and where to act appropriately is helpful too. Such as its okay to be silly when playing, or loud when outside, but not during library time at school, for example. There are many books, games, flashcards, posters, etc available for teaching these skills. Look online for ideas. Also realize that if your child has any developmental delays or autism than often these skills will be very delayed and may not come naturally- they may have to be specifically and deliberately taught. For example most children can recognize when their parents are angry, or their friend is upset, but a child with a delay or autism may be completely clueless.

If your child is struggling beyond reasonable expectation seek out help from their pediatrician, school guidance counselor, or a child behavioral therapist.

Some online printable resources: 
Free Download of Various Feelings Activities

More Fun Feelings Crafts and Activities

These are for learning ESL but can be used by native English speakers too!

There are plenty more! Just do a search on Google or Pinterest for free printable emotions activities. 

I have some books on these topics as well. "Violet" discusses Anxiety, "Brianna" discusses Depression (deep long lasting sadness), "Julian" learns about Anger, and "Lily" learns about making friends/social skills (which is related to recognizing others' feelings). They are all for sale on Amazon

No Social Media? What to do when you feel left out.

No Social Media? When you Feel Left Out

By, Patience Domowski, LCSW

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When all your friends are talking about ‘Insta’ and Tweeting and ‘Snapping’ and you’re not… you’re likely feeling left out. So what do you do if all your friends are on Social Media and you’re not?

Maybe you’re not on social media because you’re parents won’t let you, you’ve lost the privilege because you got in trouble for making a poor choice online, or you’re just too young but your older siblings and friends are on there (legal age is 13+). Maybe you just don’t really want to get sucked into Instagram or your parents won’t let you have a smartphone, or they let you do some social media but not others.

Regardless of why you can’t be on it, what do you do about it?

1)Realize it's okay to not be doing something just because ‘everyone else’ is. It’s certainly hard, and you may feel left out, but realize there’s a reason you aren’t on it, and it’s okay.

2) Find other ways to connect with your friends- texting, talking in person, emails, etc

3)Remember not everything on social media is real. For example often people only present their ‘best selves’ and will only show pictures of them looking their best, or pictures that look like they’re having fun, when that might not be the reality of their life.

4)Try to cultivate other aspects of your social life that is offline such as joining clubs, activities, gatherings, and other events. Try to take up hobbies and find other interests. Kids are often happier interacting in person and having hobbies and interests than just perusing their friend’s profiles online.

Being on social media can cause some depression too. Seeing all the ‘perfect’ lives of your friends, realizing you’re not invited to parties that everyone else enjoyed, or even being a target of cyber bullying, can all cause feelings of sadness and loneliness. Remember that it's not about how many online friends or followers you have, or how many ‘likes’ on your photos you get, but it's about the real-life connections and friendships you make that will last and be more meaningful and real for you now and in the future.

Its okay to remind your friends ‘Hey, I'm not on facebook, so if you throw a birthday party, make sure to personally invite me!’ If you feel like you’re not being invited or included in activities, maybe set up an event or party yourself. Invite everyone with text or email, or be super old school and send print invitations in the mail. Then the people who come are people you can be friends with. You can still take pictures and enjoy the event, even if its not online.

As you get older your parents may allow you a presence online, or as you learn to make more mature decisions they may loosen the rules. Or even not, when you’re an adult you can decide these things for yourself. But make sure you’re not getting sucked into doing anything just because ‘everyone else is doing it’ and that you’re still grounded in ‘Real Life’ friendships and social connections, not just online ones.