Arguing- it takes 2 to tango!

Arguing

Just like it takes two to tango, it takes two to argue. So when a parent says the child constantly argues they are implying that the parent is arguing back too. How do we stop this as parents? Simple answer: STOP ARGUING. Don’t answer back. Ignore constant invitations to engage in arguing behavior. Remind your child you already gave them a response and that’s it. If they continue to ask, perhaps give a consequence.

Arguing problem example

Child: Mom, may I have a cookie right now?

Mom: No, we are saving the cookies for dessert tonight.

Child: But mom, I’m really hungry! I want a cookie now!

Mom: No, you just had a snack. It’s almost dinner time.

Child: I’m still hungry! I can’t wait for dinner! I want it now!

Mom: I told you, you have to wait until dessert time after dinner.

Child: But I want it now! You never let me have anything to eat! You starve me all the time! You’re the worst mom ever!

Mom: No, I feed you all the time, We’re eating dinner in about 15 minutes anyway.

Child: (Starts to cry/tantrum) I want a cookie! I hate you!

Mom: (loses cool) What is your problem?! I’m the best mom ever- some moms never give their kids cookies! If you keep acting like this I’ll never feed you again!

… okay maybe not to that extreme… In this example the child engaged mom in arguing, even though Mom did a great job sticking to her word and not giving in to what the child wanted, the child still was arguing to get what they wanted and mom was losing her cool and getting upset.

Let’s try this instead. Sometimes its called “Asked and Answered” (I didn’t invent that term, but it makes a lot of sense. Basically you just remind the child you already gave them a response. You might explain why, if not obvious, but then you let it go.)

Arguing Solution:

Child: Mom, may I have a cookie right now?

Mom: No, we are saving the cookies for dessert tonight.

Child: But mom, I’m really hungry! I want a cookie now!

Mom: I already answered your question. I’m not going to talk to you any more about it.

Child: I want it now! I want a cookie! I can’t wait! I’m starving! You never feed me! Why can’t I have one now? (etc…)

Mom: (ignores child)

Argument over.

Child can continue to scream/tantrum but knows he’s not going to engage mom in discussing this anymore.

Sometimes if child does this kind of behavior a lot I would add this..

Mom: If you keep asking for a cookie/screaming/crying, then you won’t get a cookie after dinner for dessert at all. It’s your choice.

Hopefully child will stop at this point. If they don’t then mom needs to stick to her word and no cookie during dessert time. Next time the child will likely remember this consequence and avoid this behavior completely. It may take a few tries to get to that point!