Screen Time: How much is too much?

Screen Time: How much is too much?

By Patience Domowski, LCSW

“Screen Time”- how much is too much? Is it affecting our children? Parents want to know!

According to the AAP (the American Academy of Pediatricians) children under age 1 should not have screen time, ages 2-5 should have about 1 hour and be on it with their parents, and over age 6 should set ‘consistent limits’ to make sure they have time for other important things. *

So what should those ‘consistent limits’ be? And how much time do they need for other important things? Unfortunately there is no clear cut amount of hours to recommend because each child and family varies.

What’s important to look at is what types of screen use is the child accessing and are they spending time doing things other than look at screens. Watching TV, or even Youtube videos is more mindless than playing a challenging or educational strategy game on a device. It’s important for parents to be aware of what their child is doing on their devices. Are they accessing videos that are inappropriate or adult-rated websites or violent games? Are they getting into cyber bullying and social media problems? These are things to be aware of and monitor. Check your child’s browser history, phone use, etc, periodically.

It’s important for good brain development and social skills for kids to spend time interacting ‘in real life’ not just virtually so make sure they are spending several hours playing outside, interacting with friends and siblings, and creating something - whether building with blocks or making crafts, or cooking. Being creative is helpful for teaching many important life lessons. Interacting with others provides opportunities for social skills development and promotes happiness. Make sure there is some family time where all devices are down (you too, mom and dad!) and you’re talking and playing together. Daily, if possible!

Is electronic usage affecting your child? Several parents have told me they noticed a big difference in their child’s mood and behavior when the child was on punishment and restricted from electronic usage. The child seemed happier and less difficult when not on their games, after being off for some time. Often children get overly frustrated with games, get upset when it doesn’t work out their way, get addicted to the immediate satisfaction of the game ‘reading’ them with points or level ups. If they aren't progressing in the game they get angry and irritable. If they are playing violent games they start acting out those behaviors on siblings, sometimes.  They are also not spending enough time doing other things if on their screens all the time, so they are getting bored (though they won’t admit it!) and lack of exercise may be affecting them too.

Many children are getting addicted to gaming. Signs and symptoms include:

• Constantly talking about the game, and no other subject, thinking only of the game all the time

• Has this drive or need to be on the game at all times, including not wanting to do other activities so can be on the game (wants to avoid school, sports activities, even seeing friends so has time to play games)

• Cannot go more than a few minutes without being on a device

• Has no other interests besides games

• Gets very upset if cannot be on the game or told to get off it

• Not getting up to use the bathroom, eat, or other important things while gaming

• Hours spent on the game without any other activity or interruption (often child won’t be aware of how many hours they have spent)

Take a quiz online to see if your child may be addicted.** (Link to quiz in references below). If your child seems to be suffering from this, there are resources out there such as therapists specializing in addiction, support groups, and other tips you can find on reducing gaming time and enjoying more of time outside of gaming. If you are concerned then there probably needs to be some intervention whether its as simple as parents limiting online time, to more intensive options such as contacting a therapist or support group for help.

Getting your child to do more activities may be helpful such as encouraging them to play outside, have real-life playdates, take up a club at school or other program, play a sport, or be involved in some other activity. For teens maybe volunteering, or getting a job can get them doing other things. If the child resists, you can still set limits on the time and type of screen time they are allowed and insist they cannot be on the games for x amount of time or during this time period even if they refuse to participate in another activity. Remember it’s okay for kids to be bored as that bored feeling can foster creativity. Have them come up with some other activities they can do instead of screen time. Maybe even reward them with a certain amount of screen time per other time spent (such as if play outside for 1 hour= can be on the ipad for 30 minutes later).

Important things to think about:

• Be aware of what your child is doing on their devices, including what websites, what games they play. Are they appropriate, etc. Look at the ratings on games, look online to check what professionals say about them. Plugged in, and Common Sense Media rate movies, games, TV shows, etc for parents so you don’t have to do the research yourself. (See links below). ***

• Recognize any differences in child’s emotions and behavior when on and off the games- are they more depressed, angry because of the games or when told to get off the games?

• How much time are they spending on games? Is it all their free time? Do they ever play outside or with other children in real life, or only online? Do they spend time doing anything else? Set limits and parental controls. Use the Media Time calculator, and Net Nanny controls if needed. ****

• Does your child have other interests besides video games, TV, or social media? Do they spend any time doing other activities? If not- encourage and insist on other activities in and outside of the home.

• Are their school grades suffering because they are only gaming and not doing homework? Have child finish their homework and parents check it before they can get on any devices.

• Are they showing signs of addiction? Can they go some time without reaching for a device? If they are showing some concerning signs look into getting some help and support.

References:

*AAP Guidelines: https://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/pages/american-academy-of-pediatrics-announces-new-recommendations-for-childrens-media-use.aspx

**Video Game Addiction test and resources

http://www.techaddiction.ca/video-game-addiction-test.html

Internet addiction

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/features/video-game-addiction-no-fun#3

Types of treatment for Video Game Addiction

https://www.psychguides.com/guides/video-game-addiction-treatment-program-options/

***Plugged in Magazine, and Common Sense Media- Reviews of movies, TV shows, Video games, including rating their age appropriateness and other content.

http://www.pluggedin.com/

https://www.commonsensemedia.org/

****Media use calculator:

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/media/Pages/default.aspx

Net Nanny- sets up parental controls on devices and provides helpful blog articles

https://www.netnanny.com/blog/

Don’t Lose your Temper when You Lose a Game!

Don’t Lose your Temper when You Lose a Game!

By Patience Domowski, LCSW

No one likes to lose, but why do some people have such a hard time with it? We’ve all seen (adult) sports fans freaking out when their team loses, but often adults handle it fine. Children, however, are a different story. While most adults can process that while it's disappointing to lose, they know it's a part of life and maybe they will win the next time. Children, though often don’t think about the broader picture or the future impact and cannot accept defeat.

Does your child ‘lose it’ when they lose? Throwing their gaming controller/sports equipment, screaming, stomping their feet, having a full tantrum when they lose a game? Are they unable to accept defeat or disappointment and overreact in anger? Do the blame the opponent and declare they must have cheated because they cannot take responsibility themselves for the loss? Do you worry taking your child to their sports events that they will lose their temper if they don’t win and it will embarrass you in front of the other team members and parents? If yes to any of these, keep reading!

Here are some reasons children struggle to accept loss in games (“games” refers to video games, board games, and sports games):

• Child puts a lot of pressure on themselves to do well, often due to anxiety, and sees losing as “failure”.

• Parents, coaches, others put a lot of pressure on child to win all the time, instead of just ‘do your best and have fun’.

• Child has low self-esteem and losing confirms their negative view of themselves which is already low.

• They are teased because of their performance by siblings, peers, friends, bullies, etc

• Parents, coaches get upset and overreact when their child’s team doesn’t win

• Child doesn't have the coping skills or emotional maturity to handle disappointment

• Child/team hasn't been taught good sportsmanship skills.

• There certainly can be other reasons too.

Some strategies to teach your child to handle losing a game better:

• Remind child that just because they lost doesn't mean they did anything wrong or are a bad person/team because of it

• Build child’s self-esteem in other ways, if games/sports are not helping or child is just not good at these activities, such as finding other things the child is good at like building, or art for example.

• Encourage child to do their best, regardless of outcome, and don’t make them feel bad for missing a shot or making a mistake

• Remind child that everyone wins some and loses some, and they need to just try their best, and it’s okay (if they can’t handle constructive feedback, say nothing, or just point out the positives, until they are more able to handle suggestions for improvement)

• Model good sportsmanship by handling it well when adult’s preferred professional sports teams lose or do poorly. “We’ll get them next year”.

• Praise the good as much as possible and focus on that: “You made a good pass” or “You got one goal!”

• Teach child that if they handle losing well, the opponent/friend is likely to want to play with them again, however if they throw a fit the other person is likely to not want to play with them anymore.

• Role-play/practice with child on how to react if they win or lose. Have child act out saying “Good Game” at end of game regardless of the results.

• Try not to focus or mention the score in a game, or even saying who won or lost, but just on how individual did in some moves/plays

• Also make sure to teach children to be good winners- not bragging, or teasing the other team, but just graciously accepting the result without over-doing their reaction (no show-boating). Make sure they say ‘good game’ regardless, and shake the other team’s hands (if appropriate).

• Point out how professionals handle loss (look up some good examples online of professional sports players) and point out how professional coaches look for good sportsmanship and want to see that behavior in pros.

• Teach child emotional regulation skills of recognizing their own emotions and how to handle anger and disappointment (like taking a deep breath, walking away for a minute to collect themselves, thinking about the problem differently) and have child practice and act out these behaviors

• Purposefully play a game with child where the point is for child to handle losing graciously- tell the child this is the plan. (Adult should try hard to win). Praise the child for handling it well, if they do, or have them try again if they get upset. (May need to remind child how to respond towards end of the game.) If needed, add in an incentive like a small reward if they handle losing without getting upset.

Excellent book resources to read  and discuss with your child:

• “If Winning isn’t Everything, Why do I hate to Lose?” by Bryan Smith (available on Amazon)

• “Bubble Gum Brain” by Julia Cook (addresses thinking flexibly, not giving up even if something is hard, handling mistakes, and growing)

• Search on Amazon for other books on this subject.

Quotes:

“If you’ve had a good time playing the game, you’re a winner even if you lose”

— Malcolm Forbes

“It is not up to me whether I win or lose. Ultimately, this might not be my day. And it is that philosophy towards sports, something that I really truly live by. I am emotional. I want to win. I am hungry. I am a competitor. I have that fire. But deep down, I truly enjoy the art of competing so much more than the result. ”

— Apolo Ohno

“First, accept sadness. Realize that without losing, winning isn’t so great. ”

— Alyssa Milano

“There are more important things in life than winning or losing a game. ”

— Lionel Messi

“You learn more from losing than winning. You learn how to keep going. ”

— Morgan Wooten

“Losing a basketball game hurts but when you see what you’ve been through, you look on it and say well if this is the worst thing that can happen to me, then I’m okay.”

— LeBron James

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

— Michael Jordan

“You can’t win unless you learn how to lose. ”

— Kareen Abdul-Jabbar

“We didn’t lose the game, we just ran out of time”

— Vince Lombardi

“Success comes from knowing that you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming”

— John Wooden

Bored List

If you're tired of hearing "I'm bored" especially around the school break days have your kids make a "Bored List"- basically a list of everything they can do around the house and when bored they can pick something from the list. Here's a sample one or make your own! 

Bored List Example